Citizen Nuts

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A two-man sketch show written and performed by Mitch Magee and Will Hines in the summer and fall of 2002 at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre. It was the first sketch show for either of them. They were both members of the Harold Team Monkeydick at the time.

Probably about ten people went to this show in total. That's because after two spots at the UCBT's Spank at the theater's 161 West 22nd street location, Artistic Director Kevin Mullaney approved Citizen Nuts for a Friday midnight run. The theater was then shut down for fire code violations. Magee and Hines proceeded to perform their show at the theater's interim location at the Access Theater below Canal Street -- ironically one of the least accessible theater spaces in America (four floors up from an unmarked front door on a desolate block).


  1. Padua - an Italian butler interrupts his master's letter writing by bringing him a series of increasingly silly things: capuccino, avocados, huge trophy and big pink teddy bear. Mitch spoke his lines in grammatically correct Italian.
  2. Record Store - A record store clerk insists that a customer buy Iggy Pop instead of Journey by repeating the lines "Buy it" over and over for five pages. Though the sketch worked exactly once, that didn't stop author Will Hines from revising and performing it for a year.
  3. Nuts Punched - a video in which Mitch punches Will in the nuts three times.
  4. T-Shirts - A display of three increasingly patriotic T-shirts from "These Colors Don't Run", "Try Burning This, Asshole" to "I Enjoy My American Flag."
  5. Underpants -- a patient is asked to remove his underpants by a predatory doctor who also recounts his time sailing and vacationing in Greece.
  6. Hickey -- A woman gleefully notes that her co-worker has a hickey by saying "You have a hickey" over and over for five pages. See "Record Store."
  7. Retard Juice -- Two friends are torn apart when one mistakenly drinks a case of retard juice from the other's fridge.
  8. Homosaurus Rex -- Gay dinosaur.

The following were performed at the Spank only. They were good! Why didn't they keep them in the show? That was dumb.

  1. Atonal Music -- a staged commercial for WKED, home of your favorite 12-tone atonal music from the early twentieth century.
  2. Alien - A Martian holding two Earthlings captive forces them to discuss the merits of the movie "9 to 5."

All The Trimmings

  • All set changes done by a friend dressed as Dracula.
  • At one point an extra wearing a red bow tie would tap dance while holding up masks of Mitch and Will to his face.
  • After performing "Padua" for the opener, Will and Mitch ran around the stage while the song "Filler" by Minor Threat played and they held up Styra-foam cut-outs of their names coated in glitter.
  • Rob Lathan re-arranged his vacation plans to help this show by being an extra and wearing a t-shirt in the middle of it, and coming out at the end of "Retard Juice" and saying "Now try this gaylord juice."